melancholy tales
12:37 a.m. & 2008-03-11

I am getting pretty bad at updating.

I think maybe its the new layout of DiaryLand. It throws me each time I come to write.

Life has been dull lately. Well...not really dull, but contemplative.

Like a dork, I called Will on Saturday night. From somebody else's phone. Doing that makes me ashamed, but I do it anyway. He answered and we made awkward small talk for awhile and then, like a dumbass, I asked him if he wanted to get coffee this week.

He said yes and that he'd call me. But I had to keep up with the lie about my cell phone being broken (a lie I've used before on him), so he said I should call him.

Well I did. And left a message. And more than 24 hours later?

Nothing.

So I've made a fool out of myself.

But...being weird like I am...I feel relieved. I always do after I make an ass out of myself. It feels better to know that the strings are tied. Loose ends make me uncomfortable. I understand that men are okay with going in and out of a person's life, but I am not. Someone is either in it, or they're not. And if they're not, I would prefer not to be on an even friendly basis with them. Don't ask me why.

I am kind of a crazy person. But I think only rational people deserve a rational response. And if Will did NOT want to see me ever again, then he could just say so, rather than resorting to the old male trick of "Hey, I guess I just won't call her and hope she gets the message that way."

Seriously. If you're a 21-year old male and you're still not calling girls or answering their calls in order to avoid them, then you are definitely lacking maturity.

And why should I be mature when they are not?

So I have made my peace with this situation. Looking back on the initial situation, I realize that my infatuation with him stems from the lack of closure he provides. He text-messaged me the first time to end things and now he just doesn't answer my calls/call back.

I feel silly. I wish I could be one of those women who adheres to the "rules", but fuck that. I have no patience and no tolerance for the rules.

So yeah.

This week is going to be tough. For starters, it is the week before finals. AND, two people in my life are going to soon be out of it. Ryan is leaving to hike the Appalachian trail in a week and a half and Amber is graduating at the end of the quarter. It is making me really sad just to think about it.

Amber was one of my first friends here at school. I honestly love her like a sister. It is no wonder why I am upset about this one. And of course I am upset about Ryan leaving.

Although our 'relationship' was brief and rather tumultuous, he is still important to me. And I don't think I'll ever be able to look at the movie theater again without thinking about him, even if it is just a fleeting memory.

You know, life isn't perfect. And neither are our relationships. I hate reminiscing sometimes. I think for right now I am just going to appreciate what it was for what it was.

And of course, the song I always come back to in times like these:

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

I think I have to stop for tonight. I feel like crying...

previous & next