So....this is going to be a really personal entry.
I've noticed that a fad of blogs and personal online journals is for the writer to be really depressed or suicidal or on medication or what not. And usually I am a bit skeptical...for some reason, depression and such illnesses have always boggled me.
But I can no longer say that. My life has recently taken a turn for the worse. Basically I am folding in on myself, living in my head in complete and utter darkness. It hit a low point early this morning, which resulted in me making a phone call to my mom, during which we decided that I will be seeking therapy this summer.
I have come to terms with it; I have depression.
I shouldn't be surprised. My dad has it, too and apparently he inherited it from his family. I should have seen this coming, really. I've had a history of manic depressiveness, but I thought that once I made it through puberty, those mood swings were finally over. But the past year has enveloped me in a sadness that I just can't phase my way out of.
My problems are...varied. Depression is probably the most prevalent, but I won't be surprised if OCD is on that list. Think of the little things that bother you and mulitply those by 100...that's how obsessive I get over the most minute details of ANYTHING. My problems in life are relatively minute themselves...but it's my mind and my depressive/obsessive nature which makes them the problems that they are.
It's all so confusing. I genuinely WANT to be happy. And the most confusing thing is that on the outside, people usually think I have it all together, or that I am somehow the lucky one. But on the inside, I hate myself. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I act, I hate things I say and do...in my eyes, there is nothing about me that I like.
So yeah. This summer I am going to work on that. Self-love, happiness... I guess the first step is really admitting you have a problem.