I got into a passive aggressive fight with my best friend Jess tonight.
I'm sad to say that we have become frenemies; basically, we are best friends that really don't like each other.
Ever since she got a boyfriend, she has become uber-fucking-annoying. Her boyfriend is one of those kids who thinks he is super cool. He plays a few instruments, smokes a lot of pot, knows people in bands. Whoop-de-doo? Basically, he is a scenester. (Check out http://wwww.yourscenesucks.com for more information on this growing epidemic).
Jess has always aspired to be a scenester, or one of the "cool" kids. And I'll give this to her, she has finally made it. However, she is losing her closest friends in the process.
While I try not to be judgemental, it is difficult to accept Jess's new lifestyle and attitude when it involves ditching those she "loves" for people who can 'up' her social status.
The entire pseudo-arguement began when she wanted me to listen to the music of some friend of her boyfriends, who I guess knows a lot of people that I also know. She seemed especially proud to share this information with me, as if knowing someone who is signed is like being a rock goddess herself.
First off, let me just say this: EVERYONE is in a fucking band and EVERY BAND is signed. This isn't like the 60's and 70's when kids working at gas stations started garage bands that worked their asses off to make it big. We live in the generation of a little thing called "indepedent record labels" which makes it possible for every band in every possible genre of music out there to get signed. I know a shitload of people in bands, I know shitloads of people who know people in bands. This is not a big deal anymore, kids. Knowing someone in a local band isn't like knowing the fucking Rolling Stones or something.
Jess has basically turned into one of those people I hate. While I admit that at one time the 'scene' attracted me, I have began to realize how pathetic it really is. I feel like telling everyone who tells me that they 'know someone in a pretty big band' that yeah, I've already heard that fifteen times that day. Like seriously...more proof of common it is--two other people I know who constantly tell me how they "know people in bands" are my ex-best friend who is now an exotic dancer and my other best friend's obese sister. Yeah...so it is really no big freaking deal.
I say this as someone who both knows people in bands and has dated plenty of scenesters. Several of the boys I write about in the blog may be known on a somewhat national level, hence why I sometimes write very little about some people. It is getting annoying. My generation's self-important laizzes-faire attitude is becoming completely ridiculous. I told Jess tonight that 'scene' is dying, as any trend does when it catches on too quickly. And for the sake of my sanity, I hope it does.
I really thought things were going better between Jess and I, that she had taken a genuine interest in rekindling our once uber-close friendship, but it seems to me like she is doing so only to show off her newfound popularity in a scene she once detested. This may seem irrelevant, but it really hit me when she put that picture of me and her as her profile picture. Jess hates it that I take so many pictures, yet she IMs me to tell me how it is the cutest picture of me and her and how she put it as her profile pic. The thing is, I looked terrible in the picture and what she was really saying was, "This is the cutest picture of ME."
I really miss the old Jess. But that Jess was replaced by one who cares too much what everyone thinks about her.
However, this situation has made me realize something about myself; how much I used to care what people thought of me. Even when I tried to convince myself that I didn't, I did...I know I did. But now I feel like I am finally free of that worry. Instead, I want to embrace what is real. Real friendships, real love, real happiness. In some aspects, I got a lot of what I thought I wanted this year, only to realize that the grass is not really that greener. There is a Robert Frost quote I really love that goes, "Freedom lies in being bold." I realize now that I am truly free because I am finally admitting to myself and others what I really think. It actually feels really good.
I still feel bad, however, at how I expressed this to Jess. She seemed pissed off. I sent messages to her when she got offline, so hopefully she'll get them in the morning. They basically said that, as her best friends, we don't care how she looks, who she knows, or what music she listens to...we love her for her. So drop the act, haha.
Thankfully I've come to that realization myself. I definintely learned a lot this year. I feel like, in many ways, I got what I wanted only to realize that it wasn't what I thought it would be. I thought I wanted this guy and those friends and what not, but after I got all of that stuff, I was just as unhappy as I originally was, if not more so.
Basically, as I said before, what I want now is real friendships, real love, real feelings, real LIFE. Life is all around us...not just in those who someone may deem cool enough to acknowledge it in. Everyone is interesting, everyone has a story to tell.
On another note, work was really fun tonight. I was supposed to do modules, but as I did not have a code, I just worked for four hours, which was mainly spent joking around. I worked/flirted with Tim, one of the managers. He is a fun guy. Really chill, so it was an easy going night. I want to work with him more.
Tomorrow I am going to the mall with Em and maybe to a movie. I am pysched...I haven't seen any of my floormates at all over break, so yay! :)