I have been extremely anxious the past few days.
I think things are finally over between the boy, but not in the way I would like them to be. Things don't feel settled. At about midnight on Friday, I sent him a text message that he never responded to. So it has been three full days without any contact whatsoever.
Except I think I saw him and his gf at Baker today. If it was them, than it was a highly awkward situation because I had to go up and down the escalators which they were right next to. Yeeah. Luckily I was on my cell phone when I was going up the escalator for the last time, so it didn't seem too stalkerish.
Silence is deafening sometimes. The eye of the storm can be even scarier than the actual storm itself. You've already gone through the bad shit once, and you're basically waiting to go through it again. The worse part is that I have no idea whatsoever what could possibly go wrong next. There is a possibility that nothing will go wrong; I will just get over him and continue on with my life. But you never know. I guess I will just have to play this waiting game.
I came to this college with the intentions of resuming a normal life. During the summer, I was madly in love with a boy who broke my heart. A few months later, I decided to move back from New York City. All of those changes messed up my life in a big way. I thought things would get better upon moving to a new town, and they did for awhile. But then I made a few mistakes. Although I do not regret my actions, it will be nice to settle into the swing of things next quarter. Get good grades, work on the Post, and maybe date around a bit. A fresh start is much needed.
That is the good thing about college. In high school, I was with the same people for twelve plus years. All of my junior and senior college friends now tell me that they barely even speak to the people they hung out with freshmen year. There are 20,000 people in my college; there were 200 people in my senior class. What are the chances I will be dealing with the same people for four plus years?
"There are consequences to your actions. They're what keep life moving forward. It's called growing up."
Random quote from a Dawson Creek's re-run. I guess it is true, despite how difficult it may be to sometimes accept this. Especially with past relationships. With my last boyfriend, I wanted so bad for us to stay in eachother's lives after we broke up. And then with this boy, I am striving to stay his friend, be in his life. But why? I have myself convinced that I just want to be his friend, but really, I am just buying into false hope. Being friends with past loves is really hard, because unless you broke up 100% amicably, there will always be uncomfortable feelings of some sort on someone's part. Whether they are romantic or hostile, those feelings make it hard for two people to truly remain friends.
Haha. My early morning posts are getting to be insanely long and maudlin. What a way to not study. My sociology exam this morning was horrible. After no sleep, my eyes literally hurt. And the test itself was bogus. The questions were so poorly phrased. Oh well. Cest la vie, I guess...
Two guys expressed interest in me today. One while waiting for my sociology exam; apparently he knew he would do well if he sat next to "someone like me." Then a friend of a friend who I met yesterday texted that friend to tell him that I am "banging hott." Mmmm. The last thing I need is another fling.
Ugh. Off to actually study...wish me luck!