Boring boring day.
Because I did nothing, I spent most of it worrying and being weird. Because when I get bored, I get weeeird.
I thought a lot today about the past few days with Ashley and I'm realizing that our friendship is at a making or breaking point. I think things are going well in terms of our friendship, but I've noticed that we're becoming really close in a way that could either drive us apart or bring us closer.
Does that make sense? I wouldn't think so.
I treat some of my friendships like I would a relationship; worrying that every time I walk away, they'll get tired and just never call me again, or start realizing my flaws and what not. I worry about this with Ashley, too. However, I'm wondering if we're getting to the point where we can have comfortable silences and what not without that worry. That would of course be a good thing, but I know it can take another direction.
Also, I am a bit intimidated by Ashley's close knit family and friends. Its a lot different than my relationships, thats for sure. I'm more of a relationship vagabond, never really sticking with a group of people. I like it that way, but I can see how it is different from a lot of people. I hope I make a good impression of her friends and family. I have like, 5,000,000 personalities, and sometimes I wonder which ones people are more adept to. As I start becoming more and more comfortable with people, I sometimes reveal sides of my personality that I'm very self-conscious of most of the time.
Blah. This is a weird rant.
I spoke with Nolan today. He put up this weird away message and I kind of stressed about it. He later told me it's from a Bukowski book, but at first I was like, wtf? It was weird and random. But anyway...
I pretty much flat out suggested we have sex again after telling him a few weeks ago that I didn't think I'd ever have sex with him again (aside from the threesome). Here is how the convo started:
Him: haha, change your mind?
Me: about what?
Him: not having sex with me...i'm only kidding, so don't look into it too mcuh
Me: haha
I was confused as to what he was kidding about and what I shouldn't look into too much. I asked a few people; Danielle was confused, too, and Rob said it was a good thing. I think so, too. I think he was afraid that I would interpret it as him not wanting to have sex with me.
But anyway, we talked about it a little more and I think it is going to happen, again. He got off abruptly, but asked when I would be in town and told me to let him know.
I have no idea how I feel about such developments. I do like him, as more than a friend and sometime sex partner. However, the animal in me still wants to have crazy sex with him despite my deeper feelings for him. I don't know what I am going to do. I mean, I'm sure I'll have sex with him again, but will I finally succeed in not letting his post-sex quirks bother me? Hopefully.
Jon texted me tonight. It was nice, I suppose. Not an instant love connection or anything, but he was rather attractive and I wouldn't mind taking the time to get to know him.
The more I think/talk/write about guys, the more I realize that Nolan is the kind of guy I want, if not THE guy I want. He is the perfect mixture of sexy, intelligent, humble and dorky that I am looking for. He is very smart and has excellent taste; the fact that he even knows who Bukowski is is a good sign. But not only that, he is very humble and does not try to impress upon me the fact that he is intelligent. Hell, I don't even know if he thinks he is or not...it seems to me as if he just genuinely likes what he likes for the reasons he likes them, not for any ulterior motive.
Blah. That was stupid, too.
It's early and I'm tired, bored, and anxious...not exactly a good combination.
I'll write more tomorrow. My mom and I are going to visit my grandparents in Kentucky.