I have to start an eight hour shift in five hours. And then after that, off to West Virginia for my New Year's festivities with Ash!
Today was dull. I slept, went to work for six hours, then came home. However, I did write Nolan an e-mail.
Yeeeeah.
I'm happy with my decision to do. I feel like, even if he does not respond (which I highly doubt he will...like for real, I will not be actively checking my inbox anytime soon), I have finally created a sense of closure. Here it is for the world to read:
Nolan,
So I hope this is the right e-mail address because I don't know who uses their e-mail or what not.
I am not usually in the habit of writing long e-mails, but I figured this would be better than a random IM conversation.
I feel like I need to say a few things that I think you should know.
You smell.
LOL, just kidding.
Actually, I just wanted to tell you that I like you. It seems as if over break, we've gotten to know each other more, outside of our usual sexual innuendo and what not. And over that time, I began to think about how I felt about you. At first there was attraction, of course, and the after all of that drama, annoyance. It took us awhile to get over it, but now that we're in the swing of things friendship-wise, I think I like you.
At first, I didn't.
Surprisingly enough, I did not want to sleep together the second time we hung out. I mean, I did�but at the same time, I didn�t. When we first hung out, I had a really good time and I thought you were different. I didn�t necessarily have expectations, but I thought you genuinely wanted to get to know me. And then I got online after hanging out and you immediately brought up sex and I remember being really sad. Because I did want to get to know you better, but I thought you wouldn�t want to get to know me unless we had sex.
Obviously that was not the case. Don�t think that I did anything just to please you, though. I like sex quite a lot and have a problem turning it down from an interested party I am attracted to. However, you later told me that I should have waited to get to know you better, but I often think the same thing about you. So yeah, maybe I had sex with you too soon, but you judged me too soon. And that really sucked.
And it also sucked that instead of trying to make things better, you blamed me for making you feel bad about yourself. You immediately thought you couldn�t respect me, without even taking the time to find reasons why you could and should respect me.
However, despite all of this, I have always given you the benefit of a doubt as a person. Despite doing some asshole-ish things, you are not an asshole. If you were, I wouldn�t be wasting my time. I do think you are a genuinely good guy. And maybe that is why I am in this pickle.
Basically, I like you. As more than a friend�as high-school-ish as that sounds. I really don�t know why and I kind of wish I didn�t, but I do.
I understand that this method of revealing this to you might be a bit awkward, but like I said, AIM is sometimes a weird place to do these sorts of things. And I don�t have Facebook, or else I would totally utilize that as my tool of confrontation, because that seems to be how the kids are doing it these days. And if you don�t respond, I totally understand�actually, I don�t expect you to. If I were in your shoes, I really don�t know what I�d do. Probably not respond, either, haha, as I rarely even read e-mails this long.
But yeah, I just thought you should know. I also understand if you don�t necessarily want to discuss this, as you have the right not to.
Basically all I�m trying to say is that I am sorry for how things began and I do regret what happened. I just wanted you to know that you were right�we had sex too soon. I did want to get to know you better, but I made the mistake of not acting on that.
Have a safe and happy new year�s!
Kat
P.S. I�d appreciate if this e-mail was kept between you and I.
P.S. You really have to see Atonement. Def. one of the best movies of the year.
Note to reader: this e-mail encapsulates about three months of drama between him and I, starting with our second-night tryst to the AIM convos of the past few days.
Maybe I'm crazy, or whatever, but I really don't care. It did my mind some good and isn't that all that matters?
I truly do not expect him to respond. Like, for real. Why would he? I sent it to him solely for the purpose of avoiding confrontation...which I imagine he will wholly take advantage of. I imagine we will never speak again, which is probably the way it should be.
Moving on...
I talked to Lindsay tonight. She is not coming back to school next quarter. That really saddens me. I will miss her terribly. But I think getting away from OU will make her happy. In a way, I envy her...I have two and a half more years there, with no means of escape. So I hope only the best for her and I sincerely hope we stay in touch.