I had a situation with Jason today. I really don't want to think or write about it, but I guess it warrants an entry.
Remember how I left my jacket at his house the last time we hooked up? Well I thought it was never to be seen again, but it turned up in the last place I wanted it to: at the newspaper office.
He had suggested leaving it there for me, but I quickly nixed that idea for two reasons. One, I don't want anyone to know that we know one another. Two is a more practical reason...basically, I am not supposed to know him because of my past coverage of the local music scene and my position as music staff writer for next year. He is general manager at the school radio station, so he is pretty high up in the music scene around here, which is an integral part of this college campus. So yeah. I tell him all of this, how basically he has jeopardized my job by doing what I expressly told him not to. He was apologetic, or as much as that asshole can be. I was pretty pissed, partly because it warranted discussion in the newsroom that I did not want.
We texted back and forth for awhile and, jacket-returning issue aside, I found out that he won't be returning to school in the Fall. He joined the Army and has training during fall quarter, and he may return Winter quarter.
That whole dilemma quickly overshadowed the situation at hand.
How do I feel about this?
He basically said that things have been shit for him lately. He has always been saying that, how much he hates college and how he'll probably never graduate (he will be a fifth year senior next year). These complains, ironically, are the reason why I think I have such strong feelings for him.
He is crazy, too (read my last post).
He is depressive, bi-polar, moody, and generally an unpleasant person. But I loved/(love?) him and it was for those exact reasons.
I don't really want to think about that anymore.
No more than I want to think about him joining the Army. Does he not realize there is a war going on? A pointless, seneless war that he doesn't even support?
While I will probably never see him again, I would like him to at least be alive.
I don't want to think about any of this right now. I told him to not die, to which he replied 'will do'.
So while he is away training for war, I will be at war with my heart. Why is it so right to love someone so wrong?
Pax.