As some of you may have seen, I briefly locked my diary.
This was not to keep anyone out; really, it was to keep myself in. I wrote a rather morose entry and didn't know how I felt about having people read it right away. Unfortunately my Gold membership expired, so I am unable to make entries private. It was mometarily therapeutic, but then I realized how silly I was being, deleted the entry, and unlocked you. :)
And now I am sitting on my couch, watching Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix two days before it comes out. Perks of working at Blockbuster.
The party on Friday night was what made me feel shitty. I really don't want to dwell on the subject, but I will post pictures later. No one would ever think that the girl behind the lens could ever be this sad.
Speaking of sad, I have decided to finally see the school therapist once winter quarter starts up. I don't think that I have a definite problem, necessarily, but I think speaking to someone on a completely objective level will help. I have made and cancelled two appointments in the past, convinced that I was better at the time. However, I now think it wise to take advantage of the free counselling. More on that later.
I spoke with Nolan tonight and decided that tonight was the last time. It was not a bad conversation at all; in fact, it was very informative. I basically asked him why things went the way they did and he told me that it basically boils down to me sleeping with him on the second date. Apparently, to summarize, he lost respect for me and was no longer interested in getting to know more about me. But he really did not say it in a mean way. In fact, he admitted that men, and this particular hypocrisy, are scum. But, he said, he basically just can't fall for a girl who was so quick to give it away. He redeemed himself by saying that I am a "really cool girl" and that it is almost surprisingly healthy in general how well we get along, able to maintain a friendship while also tearing each other apart when need be (he compared us to Professor X and Magneto...only a boy will use an X-Men reference in such a conversation). He gave me advice that I really think was given with my best interest, but that doesn't keep the truth from hurting. Basically, what it comes down to is that we had sex too soon and not only can he not respect me, but he really can't see me in any other way. He did not say this in such words, but I know that is true. I know he is afraid to hang out with me for fear that we will succumb to our impulses again.
Also, he is in love with another girl. And I wish him all the best, I truly do. But I needed closure. I think I got it, but I think it is wise to stop speaking to him.
It is actually weird because I keep going back to him. Not romantically, but just back. After Will and I ended, I never dreamed of randomly contacting him, even to see how things are. But Nolan and I speak pretty frequently; we have had a few arguments regarding this very topic, and one actually ended in him saying that we shouldn't speak, yet we keep falling back into it. He said tonight that he didn't mind that I IM'ed him and when I initially said that I would stop speaking to him, he actually got kind of upset. But alas, it is all for the better.
I've been working quite a bit the past few days, but I actually really like it. The people I work with are really super cool. Tonight's (well, last night's) shift was hilarious. Some woman rented The Notebook for her family movie night and was shocked at it's contents. Rather than turning off the movie and returning it like any normal human being, she called the store and asked for a free movie rental because she was offended by the movie's explicit sexual content. Not too surprising. However, the best part was when she mentioned that she was especially offended because the characters "were not married." I almost laughed aloud. I was so glad that she asked to speak to a manager rather than continuing to speak with me. My replies were becoming terse. I told her that we did not rate the movies but she just kept going on and on. What a drama queen. Sounds like someone could use some sex, premarital or whatever.
I've been renting flicks like crazy. Broken English is my new favorite movie. It is an indie chick flick a la Sex and the City...basically, a realistic story of being single but deserving more. Parker Posey is amazing and her leading man is adorable...he is French and wears a fedora! I am in love! I also rented Freaks and Geeks, which is my fav show from back when.
Here are some party pics. Admire my own awesome fedora:
Jess has this one as her profile pic on Facebook, but I look SO HUGE in it.
Enjoy.