I am back home in Dayton for the weekend. I fear that I have not revealed any information about myself; I am a freshmen student at Ohio University attending the E.W. Scripps School of Journalism. So this weekend I decided to make the journey back home to relax.
Relaxing, however, is not what my soul has on the agenda. The past two weeks have been emotionally trying in ways that have reverted me back to the past six months of suffering over a certain ex who will now not add me on Facebook. My new problem, beautiful boy, is reminding me of my old problem, LOML (love of my life), which are all making me question to continuation of such problems. Basically, why do I keep doing what I do?
What I do is make people, especially boys, hate me. This usually occurs after a break-up or a jilting; I become attached and refuse to let go without a fight. Now, this may sound more crazy that I intend it to. While even I am the first to admit that I have some crazy problems, it is widely known that I am well-liked for my spontaenous, outgoing personality. This, however, has its drawbacks. My lack of inhibitions for one, combined with my inability to just fucking keep quiet.
There are also pros that go along with these cons. The cons are that I tend to be unable to stay friends with past lovers; the pro is that I often find myself wondering, Why do I even want to? I have good friends that love me despite my flaws. Why do I need to keep around some ex-boyfriends who will just be a constant reminder of my pain? I mean, unless we were super good friends beforehand, I find myself questioning the positive aspects of remaining friends with an ex.
Then why, do you ask, am I beating myself up over my behavior? Because while break-ups and jiltings do occur, I don't want them to remember me like that. I want them to remember me for the fun, crazy girl I am, not the emotional pyscho I turn into. I have already fucked things up majorly with the LOML, and I fear that beautiful boy is yet another addition onto that list of boys that merely can not handle emotionally dynamic women. But I suppose, looking at it from a brighter perspective, that it is for the best. Even if he was eagerly pursuing my friendship and not constantly reminding me of his pathetic life problems, there is still the factor of his girlfriend. Maybe we just weren't meant to be friends. Maybe it is for the best that I get out these things before I truly get hurt. Make them hate me before I find a reason to hate them.
^^Wow, total bitch rant.