I think the only feeling worse than an actual break-up or rejection is the getting-over-that-person part. It really isn't even painful, just...empty? That feeling to me is worse than any kind of pain. I hate it. And it is what I am feeling right now.
I have accepted that there is no possible way I can win in this situation. I have accepted that I NEED to get over this boy, no matter how exciting it is to fantasize over the day when things will be the way I want them to be. We had an amazing night together and that is all it will ever be. I should be appreciating that one night for was it was, rather than dwelling on what could have been. I try so hard to stop thinking about him, but it is so damn hard. When I do achieve this feat, I just feel even worse when I do start thinking about him again. Like for a few moments I was able convince myself that I was over him, but surprise, I'm really not.
The past few weeks have been horrible. So much has happened because of him--the fight with my "friends" (another story for another time), my general disinterest in any school related activity, and my discomfort in life. While last Friday was amazing, I know that I did a lot of stupid things to both make myself feel better and to get his attention. Even under the influence of alcohol, I know I was being stupid. As much attention I was getting, I know it was unwanted and that the only attention I wanted was his. And I hate that. I want to have fun for the sake of having fun. I want to wake up the next morning thinking only about my bad beer breath rather than what his reaction was. I want to freaking do something other than sitting online, waiting for him to sign on and ignore me for a few hours. I just want things to be like they used to be.
But, with the acceptance of no future comes the inevitable feeling of empitness. You know that void. The feeling inside your gut that tells you, you were happy once, but you don't have that anymore.... That feeling sucks so much. Luckily for me, Spring Break starts in a week. Only seven days and I will be back home, chillig with my friends, and getting ready to go on vacation. And when I come back, I will have a whole new set of classes and a whole new set of oppurtunities. I will get straight As and have fun and just enjoy the college experience. All of that sounds much better than thinking about some boy, no matter how beautiful he may be or how great one stupid night was.
Ugggh...I hate this process. I have done it before, so I guess doing it one more time won't be too bad. There really is nothing I can do. And its not like he is a part of my daily life...I never see him. We slept together once, and then in the month that followed, I only actually saw him once. And even then, I knew that he was going to be at that specific place. So I can only hope that time will heal this wound like it has the others before this one. Like the song says, it's only time and a face that you loose...
Socially, today was pretty awesome. We went for chinese, then Shayne and I watched the Painted Veil. We had a heart to heart conversation about a lot of things, including the recent drama within the group. Then we watched Accepted and discussed the woes of college. It was fun. Everything would be swellll if it weren't for the boy.