Things with Josh went BLAAAAH. I realized that I spent a year and a half being in love with an illusion. So I guess that is officially dunzo.
Feels nice to say.
On Friday night, I went on a date with Ryan (movie theater guy). We got coffee, saw The Savages (for free...since, you know, he manages the theater) and then we went to Casa to watch jazz. He bought me some drinks, so I got kind of wasted. Then, after making out in the back of the club for like, 40 minutes, we went back to his place and...had sex. Three times.
Yeah. I know.
Same ole song and dance, right?
I won't go into details. It was nice...but weird. I wouldn't say the sex was especially amazing. He said he hasn't had sex in almost a year...so the first time was literally like five seconds. The next two times were okay, except he doesn't say when he is cumming, so it just ends and I'm like, "Is it over?"
But it was still nice. Despite his sometimes hostile demeanor, he is actually quite affectionate. He called me 'sweetheart' and 'sugar. It was cute. And he likes to spoon. AND, he frequently told me I was gorgeous and beautiful. I asked him if looked alright and he said, �You�re gorgeous.� And then, when I asked him to go get me something other than water, like juice, (I was nursing my hangover), I asked him if he wanted me to go with him to which his response was, �No, just stay here looking beautiful.� It was sweet. At one point, while drunk, I told him to stop being so nice to me, in reference to the cute names and the hair-stroking and the little kisses. It was quite weird.
My insomnia made things a bit awkward. He was trying to sleep, but I was nursing my hangover (I can�t sleep until its over), so I kept bothering him. We had some morning sex at like, 8:30 a.m., then I went to sleep. We woke up at noon, which was because he had to be at work by then�so we rushed out really quick, though he did stop briefly to give me a hug and a kiss on the top of my head. But, when he dropped me off, I just got out of the car without a hug or a kiss or anything because I looked so bad.
I felt bad about that, so once I got up to my dorm room I called him and apologized, which was awkward. At 2:30, I went for coffee with Amber, which involved walking uptown right near the movie theater�where I saw him again, but did not acknowledge seeing him. So we get our coffee (which was fun) and whatnot, and walking back, I decide to stop in and say hi to him at the theater, which turned out to be a bad decision as he was totally awkward. No need to even go into details. Amber and I leave, and she makes comments about the awkwardness, which was embarrassing.
Sooooo�I called him again. I mean, the good thing is he answers at least. But I told him I thought he was rude in the theater which launched into the real issue: will he ever call me again?
I know, I know. I once read in Cosmo that that is a bad idea. But, in my crazy person�s self-defense, I have to ask myself�why? Why is it bad to want to know right away? Why should I wait around for him to call when I can just be like, �Hey, do you like me or not?� Yeah, maybe it SEEMS crazy, but its actually rational.
The conversation actually wasn�t BAD. He said he had a blast hanging out with me, with and without the sex, and that he wants to see me again. I must admit, I did overreact about the conversation in the movie theater. See, the thing about this boy is, he is one of those people who is mean even when he doesn�t mean to be. He is just kind of a blah person�you really have to take him as he is. I am very good at taking people as they are, but as you all know, I am a non-bullshit no games kind of girl, so my neuroses on the phone stemmed from that.
I mean, the conversation was awkward, but I will give him credit for being especially understanding. In bed, we talked about our lives and whatnot, and of course insecurities and past experiences came up. I told him that I was a product of my experiences�especially my recent experiences, most of which involve heartache. I told him that I�m in the habit of sleeping with guys who use the fact that I am so quick to jump into bed with them as a reason to dump me. He said he understood, that he wants to hang out with me and that I could call him anytime to talk about this. We also made plans to hang out on Tuesday or Wednesday, after I told him that I am a fan of set plans.
Boys usually have a problem with this, to which I am quick to offer an explanation: girls are different. I have friends, female friends of course, who make plans with me weeks in advance. So, if he should decide to call me on a certain night, on the seat of his pants, I would probably have to say NO because I had already made plans beforehand. See how that works? I explained that to him. So he said, okay, do you want to hang out on Tuesday or Wednesday? I said only if he wanted to�which was a response he seemed to be getting angry with. So I guess we made semi-sort-of-plans.
He also said, and I found this to be pretty sweet, that, although I couldn�t hear his exact tone at the time, when he talks to his friends, he planned on telling them how great his date went the night before. So I told him to leave the part about the two phone calls in a four hour time period out of the night�s description.
At the end of the conversation I told him, �If you hate me, please just tell me�, in relation to that particular conversation. His response was sweet�he said that he thinks I just wanted him to say that to keep up with this pattern in my life and that despite probably not being able to or having any definite reason to, I should trust that he wants to see me. So with that, we hung up�and of course I have not called him or talked to him since, so I guess I�ll have to wait and see what happens.
I feel kind of crappy because the date did go well, but my insecurities will always inhibit me. But I was thinking about it and I guess if he really likes me, he�ll just have to accept me for who I am. I keep remembering this part in Juno where her dad tells her that the right person will love her for her, no matter what, and will always think the sun shines out of her ass. So I just need to wait for my Paulie Bleeker and NOT change, partly because I don�t want to and partly because I can�t. I am the way I am because of my past and until my past goes away, these fears will not, so the right person will just have to learn to live with them.
Also�on a random note, he is leaving in a month to hike the Appalachian trail, which means, despite where this goes, I will probably never see him again. So I really do have to just go with the flow and see what happens. I�m still confused. When we slept together, he kept telling me that everything I was telling him made sense and then, on the phone, he said that he was worried that I didn�t mean what I said. Now, I was drunk, so I don�t really remember, but I think he meant what I said about having sex so soon. I do have a certain philosophy on sex that I expressed to him drunkenly, but I don�t think he understood my worries. I consciously make the decision the sleep with people, even when it is really early on in the relationship, but that does not mean the guy feels the same way, even when they say they do. So I guess that�s what he meant.
Booo. I really need to stop obsessing. �Live now�, right?
Speaking of �live now��I got my third, fourth, fifth AND sixth tattoos on Saturday!!! I went to one of the local tattoo parlors and got �live now� tattooed on my wrist and three stars in various places. I'll post pictures tomorrow.